2005-08-18 - 8:34 p.m.

I know I shouldn't have done it but I did.

I weighed myself during my 'you're not allowed to weigh yourself during this 28 day detox programme' thing. I went to the gym today and I know that I can't reist a crafty weigh when I'm there. The scales are so kind and lovely there but the problem started when I weighed and then couldn't remember if they are 10lb out or if it was more like 7 (or was it 9?).

All the way to the gym I obsessed about weighing myself and told myself that I would have to be 13 stone something to have lost weight and if I was then I would be happy.

Well, I was BUT I STILL WASN'T HAPPY. I should have known that I couldn't trust myself to be satisfied with anything when it comes to my weight. I so need to lose the stone and a half that the one woman in the video diary lost in order to get that job and my weight loss was pathetic.

The friend who recommended the plan to me says she lost 6lb in the first week so I was using that as a gauge for myself. So here I sit, on day 8 of the plan and I weighed in at 13.13 stone, 195lb on the gym scales. I rowed away on the rowing machine with my mind everywhere. What the heck was the difference between these scales and the ones from when I used to go to Slimming World which were the same as those at the doctor's office? If it was 10lb then I've only lost a measly fucking 1lb since I started. That is SHIT and isn't going to get me that magical stone and a half in 28 days.

I couldn't even be bothered to complete the programme on the treadmill, I had broken the promise to myself and weighed myself. I had opened that bloody Pandora's Box of fat-bastardom and discovered that my week of deprivation had done FUCK ALL and I was angry, disappointed, pissed off and above all thinking of binging AND DRINKING THE TOXIC WASTE THAT IS DIET COKE. I love diet coke so much and having gone cold turkey for 8 days has been hard for me. I've lived off fucking water and nettle bloody tea and have I been rewarded with a weight loss? Have I fuck!

I drove home with a face like Mr Incredible when he was stuck in traffic after a shitty day at work (if you haven't seen the film you won't have a clue what I'm talking about) and practically ransacked my best friend's bedroom. I had given the scales to her to hide the day I started the detox and hide them she had done (very well indeed). She came up in the end and I had to practically have a tantrum before she retrieved them. I weighed myself and found that according to them I had lost 2lb. Not great but it's better than 1.

I have calmed down now and can see that I have been dieting for this goal for several months now so the 2lb I have lost will be pure fat whereas my friend who lost the 6lb will have lost a great deal of water in her first week so I must take that into account. I also weighed myself in the late afternoon, I will weigh myself again first thing in the morning when I traditionally weigh myself and when I had taken my initial reading for the start of the plan.

As you can see, I am still obsessed and it's unhealthy :(

Weight on Gym Scales: 13.13 stone - 195lb
Weight on Home Scales: 14.8 stone - 204lb.

Oh yeah, I have been detoxing for 8 days now and my skin is getting spotty and I seem to have thrush or something. Great, fat and diseased :(

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